Dangerous Liaisons

When everything falls apart, it feels devastating. This is because something dies. Something dies that we had gotten used to. Something we loved or hated or loathed or admired. In both cases the loss doesn't lack gravity. When you love something and then you lose it somehow, you feel sorry, because you feel disorientated and you try to get it back or even replace it. When you hate something and you lose it, you feel relieved, but, strangely enough, you, too in this case, try to get it back, revive it, or even replace it. As soon as possible. So it would seem that the need to feel repulsion or great love are both necessary. Someone once suggested and firmly believed that hate was nothing but a different expression of passionate love. The explanation would be retrieved in the fact that in order to hate something, you need to love something else. You hate something, because you love something.

If we accept that, then there arises another theory: We love others because in a subconscious way we hate, despise, or what you will- ourselves. Not necessarily in a fashion that we crave to be identical, but rather in one that supplants our soul and existence in comparison to others'. We secretly degrade our own and prefer others to ourselves. As a supplement, I might add that this explains the pains of solitude. When we feel alone, we might feel incomplete, afraid, lost, melancholy or in general, experience bitter emotions. Well, maybe all this comes from the fact that we simply loathe ourselves. We hate ourselves, so having time alone with yourself becomes intolerable. We can't stand it and we need the presence of another person. Possibly, by getting involved with others we hope we'd iron out the flaws or imperfections we spot in us, or that they don't exist. This is an utterly egotistical process, which of course stays subliminal most of the time. From a cynical's point of view we use others.

I would like to add at this point that there is a definition of love as the capability (/emotional state), by which you offer the other person the space to become who they are. So, here fits the cynical's reaction. We accept someone in our lives, un amant as the french say, in hope that they make things better in our lives. Because we want to get away from ourselves. Then, we get upset and mad at people who don't give us the freedom to evolve as we'd like. Here I find there is a grand ambiguation, a supreme conflict. We allow someone into our zone, because we "love" them (there is not a speck of irony in the quote marks), and then we send them away because they did not make us room for ourselves. To make what I am trying to say more clear; level one- self vs self, level two- "other" vs self, level three- self vs "other". Of course the use of "vs" does not refer to any sort of hostility. In other words, we can't stand ourselves, we love others who can, and hope they will make us do the same thing (amongst others, I have nothing against love) and then when we feel restricted in some way, we search shelter from others to ourselves. Maybe because in the end we discover we like ourselves better? because we love ourselves more? I wouldn't dare to offer an answer.

Melting Oxygen

You are not allowed to breathe. You are not allowed to see. You cannot breathe and you cannot see. Most of the time nobody gets to it. It is probably the most difficult and demanding task. Few are those who finally get to it. It seems so simple, yet it is the most demanding task. That is why so few people get to it. The people i know are alienated from these two performances. They don't function like they should. they function as machines. They feel cold they talk cold they smile cold they cry cold. i do too. i do too. I'm aware of this, but i do, too.

I feel cold about the things that happen to me. And then i feel suffocated about the things that don't. Today i am not sure which is most efficient to kill. They both are. But i do not understand which is worse. And in the end I feel as a total misfit in my surroundings, because I get so easily confused by this tangled situation. What I more often choose to do, is to do nothing. And i honestly do that. I sink in the void, which I hate so much. This is when i experience the dominant effects of emptiness. But i have recently become confident that emptiness is full of meaning. Full of signs. Any void is a rich land of infinite possibilities. You sleep in it. And when you wake up and find yourself like a lizard, you can transform into any type of form or creature or sound or weapon or taste or. a smoke. We all need a smoke. There is a bizarre distance between the man and his soul when it is time for a smoke. The eyes still, the body still. Only two fingers hold the burden of this task of a smoke. And the mouth. The rest is still. Seemingly. It is highly possible that this is only an impression. The shivering soul is not a visual effect. It a vibration of the subconscious. So it is obvious that it is not a visual effect. This is why you almost never get to it. This is most probably why.

Hope-flakes

Pretty much everybody feels a little lost every now and then. Naturally. Sometimes though lost becomes a permanent situation. From where I stand we lose ourselves every time we come to miss what seems to be our personal "link" to reality. This sort of connection might vary from one person to the other, but its very basis is the same. First of all I think I should better note that when I speak of "reality" I don't really refer to the actual reality of the world we live in, but rather the intimate world of each and every one of us. It is quite possible that these personal environments can be distinguished easily enough. So, it becomoes clear that all these things that could make someone feel alienated from their life can actually be thousands of different things. My personal links to my reality seem to have left me, thereby I'm one lost atom. My feet travel me around quite fairly, but sadly my disorientation is of a different kind, the one of the spirit. My soul-food is fairly inadequate and the ones I could share with are out of reach. This type of isolation keeps you from leading a life with all the hints of excitement missing. It is more like the sort of situation when you have to drag yourself around without doing anything to ignite your soul. It's a terrible abyssus. Of course I'm sure the "shovels" can be found if you keep an eye here and there as you pass by, and when that happens you can start slowly digging your way up to the light.

Living in a city that always sleeps

Just yesterday I realised how limited edition my city is. I had finished having my coffee by 5ish o' clock, but I had no purpose of going back home. So, I decided it would be a good idea to go to the movies with a friend. BUT. The films wouldn't start till 6 or 7. And pop went my heart. We sat for a couple of ten minutes on a bench, smoking- doing nothing much really. My friend had to leave at seven and I was passing my time keeping her company. After some time I thought it could be pretty if we could go see the Toulouse Lautrec exhibition. There came the grand apprehension of the fact that the museum was closed.

So, there you have it. I live in a place that offers you nothing. The only thing that you can do without having it organised beforehand is have a cup of coffee, tea, a juice, a coke...and in that sense its a city of infinite options. When it comes to the creative side, the place is abysmal misery. And that is sad. Maybe the whole place is a big coffee shop, but it certainly is nothing of my taste. The aesthetic of the thing is tacky, really. It's as if the only thing you are expected to do when you leave your house is to go for coffee or for drinks and dancing. The question is how long can this sort of entertainment keep your batteries charged and your soul alert?

Put Me In Your Pocket

"I feel so small, put me in your pocket". Quotes G. Kelly in High Society. In this combination of words one can see the strong crave to love and moreover, to be loved. Pretty much we've all been in this place, where all you want to do is speak out a confession of overwhelming emotions. But, most of the times we tend to supress our urge to "confess" and this is the point when you profoundly suffocate. This secret-love then turns into a delicate monster(poetic allusion). It's as if you're not righted to love and you restrict yourself to a devastating emotional imprisonment. You try to be around and at the same time not to seem hopelessly attached, expecting every time that something miraculous will happen. Sadly, it never does. It can get miserable, but in a mysterious way it becomes addictive. This emotionally exhaustive experience of unfulfilled, mazed-like love creates the need to give away your burnt down soul; to him, on a piece of paper, on a blog.

Thoughts on...

It's pretty complex how everything looks to me at this time of year...I just have a crave to be away from my home, somewhere where I don't know anyone and nobody has ever seen me or talked to me...I wanted to write on here but it seems I'm hopeless for inspiration or any sort of creative, even slightly intelligent sample of writing...!!!! So I'll just copy;

They say the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

I hope they're in love or are enjoying any sort of soul-mating at any case...







I'm so eager to write and I can't-t-t-t-t

grrrr

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY


I watched the Big Lebowski again the other day...I'm simply in awe every time
I come to watch this film. The Dude (Jeff Bridges) is hilarious because his answer to all is "fuck it!" or "I'm sorry I wasn't listening" and when he doesn't mean to speak out the
words he puts on his sunglasses!!

The Dude's friends are equally funny. Specially Walter (Johnny Goodman) who keeps messing up everything and tells Donny off all the way when he opens his mouth to articulate a single word!
"You're out of your waters, Donny"

Here they are a few moments before leaving the Dude alone to meet with the Stranger;
The Dude, Donny, Walter.

One of the funniest scenes, where they want to spread Donny's ashes into the ocean...
I'm not gonna spoil the scene if ya haven't seen the film yet, all I can say is that the answer is blowing in the wind!!

So what is so special about this film anyway?

The script is quite funny and the lines are tip of the top...In the first place Lebowski might be thought of as a silly film if you don't pay attention, or to put it more simply...if you're not into this sort of crazy, incoherent sense of humour and perception.
Most of the film's scenes unveil in a quite unorthodox way, but still it doesn't make you feel strange about it!
There are a lot of contradictions among the characters; for example Donny and Walter are totally different in how they react in various situations. Donny always acts as he's told, and he really doesn't bother to do so because he's innocent, whereas Walter will never do everything they tell him to do and at the same time he wants people to behave as he says or he'll get his gun at you! Through the contradiction and antithesis though the characters fit in and fill out each other making the film a satisfactory and brilliant experience!

Also i think it's quite interesting that the characters are all into bowling. Passionately. It is what they do for fun. The Dude even listens to bowling games on tape. He's unemployed. His clothing style makes me wanna wish i had the jumpers and trousers he wears! He'd be a fun character to play!! ! He is boring around, smokes pot, rolls any time, he cares and some times he doesn't and wishes he could change things or fix them . Sometimes he wants to kill his friends, and then again he shares hugs with them and drinks. He will undergo a dancing performance that everyone looks down at when he knows the dancer and doesn't mean to be mean. He can't always pay the rent...and so on...

As you can see...maybe we all have some of The Dude in us...

After all;

I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski...

Circus Songs

Pretty Lisa

In the fair ground Pretty Lisa's selling candy by the bar.

Pretty Lisa's training hard to be a high wire star
Lisa's life is just a journey on the roundabout
everything is very pretty until the ride runs out
Dashing Tony is her trainer, he got straight white teeth
Lisa thinks that he's an angel, well he's a pimp and he's a thief
Tony has his pretty Lisa tatooed from head to toe
now she's working in a booth in the Freak-show
Tony hits his pretty Lisa but everything is fine
the tatooes they hide the bruises every time.

The Tiger Lillies